Everybody wishes at some point in their lives that they could just disappear. Of course, this feeling comes about more often in some people than in others. For me, it occurred every September, around the time school would start. However, it didn't just go away once school began. It would come with me to all my classes for about three months into the school year. Sometimes it stayed even longer.

One September I got lucky. My wish came true. I disappeared. The only problem was that this disappearing act was a little more difficult to undo than one of your average magic tricks. Why? Well, that September (my freshman year of high school) I was not only absent from school, but I literally began to disappear. I was actually in the process of physically disappearing. September 5, 2006 I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and on September 26, 2006, I was admitted to Schneider's Children's Hospital, part of LIJ in Long Island, New York. I felt gone from the world, my friends, my family, and most importantly myself.

Now, I was thinking that it would be logical to begin this recount from the time my eating disorder first began. However, the problem is I really do not know when that happened. In fact, I did not even know I had a problem until the day I was admitted to the hospital. This genuinely was not denial. I honestly just did not know what anorexia truly was. I mean, sure, I knew "anorexics were girls who don't eat," but I didn't know anything more. Furthermore, I was not aware there was anything more to know. I just knew that I was not one of “them” because I ate...enough...or at least I thought I ate enough.

My eating disorder may have started many years ago when I first became self conscious about my body. It may have started when I was in seventh grade (2004-2005) and began dieting because it was the year my friends and I would all have our Bat/ Bar Mitzvahs. It may have started sometime between late winter and early spring of 2006 when people began commenting about my emaciated physical appearance. I don't think I'll ever know because the changes from stage to stage occurred so gradually and insidiously. By the time I was eating XXX amount of calories per day, taking intense ballet and modern dance classes everyday of the week (something I truly loved, but was not aware that I was overworking myself), and thinking that the bones protruding out of my body were huge bulges of fat, I still thought I was normal. Perhaps this explains why the day before I was admitted to the hospital I had been eating lunch with a group of friends and one girl asked me if I really was just going to have ------- for lunch. I simply said yes and shrugged it off, but I just could not understand what the problem was; isn't ------- a normal lunch, if anything maybe too large a lunch?

I am going to take you back to September 26, 2006, the day I was admitted. I had an appointment to meet with a doctor and a nutritionist at 3:00 at the Long Island Jewish adolescent outpatient clinic. It was about ten minutes into my physical examination by the doctor when the nutritionist came into the room, only to be told by the doctor that she would not be needed. I was ecstatic-- finally here was someone who realized I was perfectly fine and that I did not need to be at an outpatient eating disorder clinic!

"I have to admit her to the hospital." Those were his exact words that the doctor voiced to my mom (sitting in the examining room with us) as the nutritionist closed the door. "What?!" I thought to myself. I really thought he was joking, but then I saw the look on my mom's face and the tears that dripped down from her eyes. I am not quite sure what happened next, but somehow I had managed to lock my mom and the doctor out of the room. They called my dad over from his office across the street. It was the three of them on one side of the door and me on the other. Again, I am not quite sure of the exact sequence of events that followed, but right before the next big scene I was with my parents filling out forms in the lobby of the hospital. At this point I saw only one option: RUN! So, I ran as far as I could go to some side road in Queens. When I could not go any further I just plopped down on the sidewalk, buried my head in my sweatshirt, and cried. I was surrounded by my parents, therapists, and doctors. They were all trying to convince me to go inside to the hospital, but I refused. Then, they threatened to call the police and an ambulance to escort me to the hospital. At that point, some place in the back of my mind rationally reasoned that it would be better at the Children's hospital than next door at the psych hospital.

The first few days of my hospital stay were spent screaming at the top of my lungs one on one with a nurse in case I tried to run away again (which I did) and an IV in my arm. After that things got a little better when I manipulated my doctor into releasing me from the hospital early on the condition that I ate all my meals for the time being in the hospital and attended the day program without a fuss.

By the time I left the day program, having spent six weeks there, I was actually filled with sorrow. The day program had been a shelter for me where nobody could judge me. I met some amazing, unique people there. Also, it helped me to retrieve my true self. I had never been one to step out of the box or go against the words of an adult (or even another child for that matter!). The eating disorder caused something inside of me to burst. I do not think that my behavior prior to my hospitalization was reasonable or appropriate. However, I think it was a trigger that along with LIJ’s day program for eating disorders helped me to develop from an introvert to an extremely open and non-judgmental person. Also, I had always been insightful, but I gained even more insight from my experience at LIJ. This new willingness to open up with friends back at school has led many of them to come to me with their problems. They know I'm here to listen and not to judge them which has helped make me feel really great about myself.

For the most part things improved steadily. After completing my treatment as a full day patient, I went regularly to the outpatient clinic at LIJ to my doctor and nutritionist (both of whom I have come to realize are incredible at what they do and as people in genera!) I also saw my therapist regularly (who I also believe are amazing and have tremendous impacted my life!) However, the following February, during a family trip to Quebec, I got horrific food poisoning and had to go to the hospital. I couldn't eat for about three days because my body could not hold anything down. Even after the food poisoning subsided, I did not eat very much for the following three to four days because I feared that I would not be able to hold anything down. The next few weeks I purposely resumed my old caloric restricting because the genuine food poisoning had triggered old habits. At this point I was not strong enough to get myself back on track right away. I remembered the sheltered days of the hospital and wanted to go back. Eventually, this was a phase that passed. Mostly it passed because the healthier part of me decided I wanted to do a language immersion program in France the coming summer. My mom and I had agreed on a program, but I could only go if I was completely weight restored for a solid few months before the trip. Well, at this point it was well into March, so June was not very far away. I kept persuading my doctors to extend my deadlines for weight restoration. I was just at the minimum value of my goal weight when I left for France.

The whole time period between March and June I had been planning to simply gain the weight required so that I could go away, figuring I would totally restrict in France where no one would be watching over me. However, France totally changed my life (sounds cliché, but it completely true). It was not an American program, so I was one of four Americans. I met people from all over the world, which had been a dream of mine for a long time. I always loved traveling, culture, and meeting people who were from different backgrounds and traditions than my own. I felt truly independent and free. After language lessons in the morning, my new friends and I did whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. This freedom helped me to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I took on a new attitude dictated by a sense of overall freedom!

However, September inevitably came again; the time when I had always wanted to disappear because school was starting. I started to slip back. In fact, I almost returned to the day program at LIJ out of choice. I am not sure what changed my mind, but something just clicked. From the end of September 2007 to the present I have transformed into a whole new person; someone I did not even know existed. I do not worry about what I weigh anymore. I no longer follow a meal plan. I do not even think about what will happen to my body if I eat ice cream! I have finally accepted that a normal portion of ice cream (even if eaten everyday; which I basically do!) does not change one's body. The worst it can do is play with one's mind, but luckily that can be fixed (with hard work). I have learned that there are no "good" and "bad" foods. Ice cream, cookies, cake, and brownies are all just as great as an apple as long as you enjoy it! I have never been happier in my life than I am right now. I never thought someone with an eating disorder could turn into a strong leader; I was not even sure someone with an eating disorder could recover. But I think I've managed to do it (or at least come pretty darn close!). Now, I want to maintain this lifestyle so that I can be living proof to others and show that recovery and the regaining of a life is possible! One of my goals for the future is to help others find their way in life at a time when they are lost.