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I was born May 8, 1992 in Brooklyn New York. I had a very happy childhood; one
filled with friends, laughter, and pleasant memories. I was a vivacious and fun-loving little kid, but wise beyond my years
and stubborn as well.
The summer before second grade I moved to Douglaston, Queens. I missed my best friend,
but the move wasn't traumatic at all. I actually had no problem making friends and life seemed perfect.
Then,
the summer after 4th grade, I became very critical of my body. I was not big in the slightest bit, but I truly thought that
I was huge. I set a goal for myself to lose weight that summer. And I did. I began by restricting sweets, and then it spiraled
out of control. By the beginning of the new school year, I had lost almost 30% of my body weight off of my small frame. People
began to take notice. My parents brought me to several therapists, none of whom really helped. Then I began seeing Dr. Rollyn
Ornstein and nutritionist Wendy Meyer as an outpatient at the Long Island Jewish Hospital clinic. These two worked wonders.
While I was threatened numerous times with hospitalization, with their support, along with my loving parents, I slowly gained
weight and got better.
Sixth and seventh grade were great! I made tons of friends, got an agent for acting, and
was overall much happier. Everyone, including me, thought this eating disorder stuff was behind me. But around December 2005,
when I was in the eight grade, my negative thoughts began creeping back.
Looking back, it really makes no sense
why it came back at that particular time. Everything in my life was perfect! I had just gotten the lead role in the school
play, had amazing friends, and was really happy with where I was in life. Eating disorders can be funny that way. Again, it
started with restricting once or twice a week, and gradually spiraled out of control. My friends realized what was going on,
but my parents were in denial. Finally, after I admitted to them that I thought the disease was coming back, they scheduled
an appointment at the LIJ clinic for August 1st, 2006. That day, I was admitted directly to the hospital.
I spent
twelve days inpatient at LIJ and another week outpatient. I think I was "shocked into recovery," but this is usually
pretty ephemeral. I never actually dealt with my underlying issues. So it didn't really come as a surprise when I was
readmitted in November to LIJ.
This was probably the worst possible time to be admitted to the hospital. I had
just begun my freshman year of high school, only to be yanked out two months later. And I entered in a much worse state than
anybody really thought. This admission lasted six weeks, and I honestly BS'd my whole way thought their program. I promised
my treatment team I would give it a fighting shot, but I knew in my head that I would go right back to my old ways as soon
as I got home.
And that's exactly what I did. I lasted less than two months back at school. On Mar 1st, 2007
I was admitted to the Princeton University Medical Center, in Princeton New Jersey. This is really where my life began to
change.
I was admitted at under 65% ideal body weight, and there was fluid around my heart. Within a few days,
I was told that I might have to be transferred to the ICU to drain it. This was a HUGE wake up call for me. I could have died!!!
I decided that I was going to give this a fighting shot. Slowly, with the help of my amazing team (psychiatrist Dr. Kenneth
Willis and therapist Dr. Beth Frenkel), I gained the weight and my thoughts began to change. I was discharged after two months.
I get embarrassed about this part in the story, but it just shows how strong my eating disorder really was. I
had many coping tools when I got home, but I was immediately bombarded with comments like "Wow you gained so much weight!"
and "You look so healthy!";. I also wasn't mentally prepared to be back in real life when my whole life that
year had been in hospitals. So, I began to restrict again. Fortunately, my parents caught it early, and I was sent back to
Princeton within three weeks.
My last hospital stay was a mere 6 weeks, but I think this one was the most important
of all. I really had time to self reflect, and I realized that I didn't want to live my life in and out of hospitals.
I thought back on the past year, and how I had lost out on so much, and lost so many friends and amazing opportunities. I
also thought back on all my admissions - how I had barely been able to walk, let alone breathe! And for what? All to be "really
thin". I decided that that was ridiculous! My therapist and psychiatrist also pushed me like no one else ever had and
I really owe my life to them!
Now, I'm not going to lie and say that things were perfect after I got out of the hospital. While they were
considerably better, I still had my struggles, and was even threatened with residential treatment numerous times. I began
seeing my current therapist, Christina Carrad. She really helped me to push myself and continue working towards recovery.
Thanks to her support, along with the encouragement of my parents and Becky and Liana, I'm now in a much better place
then I've ever been.
I don't consider myself to
be "recovered". I believe that recovery is a long term process that you must work at everyday. In my case, recovery
means two steps forward, one step back. But I'm getting there. I still see a therapist, nutritionist, and medical doctor
regularly to help keep me from slipping. I also still have negative thoughts, but the difference is that I don't act
on them anymore. I'm able to push them aside, and still do what I need to do. And in the end, it's all worth it. I
have much better relationships now; I'm in a much better state mentally; and overall I'm just so much happier! Life
is a spectacular thing if you get out there and really live!
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