Yom Kippur Reflection

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As Yom Kippur translates to the day of atonement, I wanted to share my deepest apologies for everyone that I hurt, including myself. As many of you know I have had a hard year. I have been in and out of treatment centers and struggled to fight my eating disorder.

“At one point I found myself so consumed by anorexia that I lost everything: friendships I truly cared about; a stable relationship with my family; and the ability to sustain a life worth living.”

As Yom Kippur is when the book of life closes, I vow to air my mistakes, but then move on from them to show grace for myself as harping on the past will only keep me trapped in misery and inhibit me from moving forward.

To my family: I am sorry for lying, keeping secrets, and lashing out on you whenever my Eating Disorder felt threatened. I know you only had the best intentions and I am sorry for not letting you in. I love all of you and want to help you understand what I am going through.

To some of my dearest friends: I am sorry for pushing you away and cutting ties with you when shame of my behaviors got strong. I am sorry for crossing boundaries. Most of all, I am sorry for being so consumed by my own thoughts and struggle to truly being the friend I wanted to be. I hope you know I care about all of you so much and just want to be there for you as much as I can.  

To my treatment team(s): I am sorry for viewing you as the enemy and lashing out when you tried to help me. I am sorry for being willful, closed off, and refusing to listen to suggestions.

To food: I am sorry for reducing you down to a number. I am sorry for viewing you as the enemy and viewing the restriction of you as a matter of control. 

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To my body: I am sorry for starving you and not giving you adequate nourishment to survive. You deserve so much love and so much care because you will help me to live my life. 

To myself: I am sorry for abusing you by not only harming you, but constantly berating you by telling you that I was not good enough, sick enough, and undeserving of help. I am sorry for telling you your worth depended on clothing size and weight. I realize that worth is internal and that treating you with kindness will lead to a life worth living. I am sorry for making you stay in relationships that were toxic for you and bullying you with fear into leaving. I am sorry for not respecting your intuition. 

As the book of life closes, I vow for 5780 to treat my body, myself, and everyone around me with kindness and respect that they deserve.

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“I have spent too much time at war with myself and too little time cultivating a life worth living. I vow to channel all the energy I have spent on my eating disorder to repair my relationship with the people I love, myself, my body, and with nourishment.”

Even though Yom Kippur is traditionally a fasting holiday, I respect that participating would derail my recovery and do undue harm to my body, so I am abstaining from the messages my Eating Disorder tells me. This holiday is not about restricting food, as I once believed, but about self-improvement and moving forward and I know the only way to do that is to nourish my body. 

G’mar Tov and may you take care of yourself on Yom Kippur,

Lucie


ABOUT THE AUTHOR: LUCIE W.

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Lucie is 19 years old and is from Virginia Beach, VA. She recently began writing in the recovery community and has discovered a passion for writing about her recovery experience, as writing has been essential to her recovery. In her free time, she enjoys walking her dogs, listening to music, and reading nonfiction. She will attend Franklin and Marshall College in Lancaster, PA in the Spring. She hopes to one day work in the Eating Disorder field as a doctor or a dietitian.