My Truth; All Our Truths

I am not this body. I am not the number on the scale or the size of my jeans. I am not the size of my thighs or the depth of my stomach. I am not too much or not enough. I am not a mistake. I am not bad. I make mistakes and I may make bad decisions, but that does not mean I am a mistake or bad - it simply means I am human. I am human and I am constantly learning and growing and changing. I am learning that the life I lead is much more important to me than the body I live it in.

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“I am realizing that connection, honesty, authenticity, hope, gratitude, and kindness are worth more to me than a certain image in a mirror. And I’m also giving myself grace around the fact that there will be days I don’t feel this way.”

There will be days where I wonder how I’m supposed to live in this new body of mine - this body I tried so hard to suppress for so long - and that is okay; on those days I will sit with the pain and remember that this too will pass. I will reach out to family and friends and remember that I am not alone. I will remember all that I am besides my body - I am a daughter, a friend, a cousin. I am caring and kind and inquisitive. I am learning to lean into fear and discomfort instead of running away from it. I am letting go of the ‘should-be’ and grabbing hold of my own dreams. The person I am today is not the person I was last year, or last month, or even last week, and that is a beautiful thing. A beautiful thing, and also a scary thing. For what I have learned is that I can have both beauty and fear. I can be both happy and sad; grateful and frustrated; alone and connected.

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“Because life is not meant to be monochromatic; life is meant to be a portrait of light and dark, and of good and bad. Life is unpredictable, and that is what makes it so worth it.”

I do not know where I will be in a month, or a year, or five years from now. I do not know the memories I will make or the people I will meet. I also do not know the loss I will experience and the grief I may feel. And so once again, the unknown of life if both beautiful and scary. As I sit here today, I embrace that truth. I embrace the person I have been, the person I am today, and the person I one day will be, and I give thanks for all of them. I give thanks for the body that leads me through this crazy journey that is the human life - for even if there are days I do not like this body, I will always stand in awe and appreciation of what it allows me to do. I will forever be grateful for the laugh that escapes my lips and the hugs I give and receive in an open embrace.

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“Because no, I am not this body, I am so much more; and yet all that I am could not be without this body. Just as the seasons, my body changes and I change; but the one thing that remains is that I will forever be me.


ABOUT THE AUTHOR: SAMMIE MENEILLY

Sammie is 21 years old, and currently embarking on her journey of recovery. Throughout her journey, she has discovered her love for art, the joy of game nights with friends, and her hopes to one day be a math teacher. When she’s not journaling or spending time at a local coffee shop, her favorite thing to do is FaceTime with her puppy back home.