To All I Can Do Now
I don’t become dizzy every time I stand up.
I don’t nearly faint after hours of work.
I don’t wake up feeling exhausted from the night before from hours in the bathroom.
I don’t feel sick from the excessive exercising.
I don’t stay up until 4am and sleep until 4pm.
I don’t hate myself as much.
I don’t lie to my loved ones.
I don’t get afraid when I leave my house.
I don’t look at everyone I pass wondering if they are happier than me.
I don’t drown myself in caffeine to feel human.
I don’t miss conversations because of my thoughts racing at 100mph.
I wake up early and go to sleep a reasonable time.
I enjoy seeing my friends and grabbing a meal with them.
I love my job, I love that I can focus on what I do.
I like myself more.
I love visiting my family without a care in the world, just seeing how they are.
I love taking walks, giving myself some me time.
I love having baths and don’t worry about what I look like as much.
I am honest with the people that I love.
I leave my house and it makes me happy when I see strangers enjoying their day.
I love having deep conversations that I can now engage in.
The only piece of advise I can give someone who is finding recovery hard, is to focus on one small thing. Let yourself sit with it, think about it, accept it. Just one thing, one thing at a time. Once you’ve let yourself go over it, think about how you could change it. You’re the only one who can change it, you were strong enough to keep this secret for so long. You can also take this strength to help yourself get better. If we try and focus and ‘fix’ everything in one moment, we will be smothered, anyone would be.
“So please remember, big changes happen with little steps and you deserve all the help you need. You deserve it no matter who you are and how you’re doing in one moment.”
The physical changes are a reaction, the changes in our minds are the cause which can be reversed. If you have an Eating Disorder, I really hope you can find your peace. Everyone deserves peace.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: SASHA
Hi, my name is Sasha, I’m 24, a musician and I live in the South East of England. I wanted to tell you about my experience after recovery, how my life changed for the good. My Eating Disorder was a coping mechanism, it let me tell my troubles without having to speak them. I used it to manage the chaos and the feeling of not knowing what to do in other aspects of my life. In all honesty, my recovery wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I was very lucky that I was working out other problems in my life and was mending them. As they healed, so did my Eating Disorder. Before, I had lost all focus in my life, I was at University and couldn’t concentrate on my lectures, my friends and my family. I was working and had no time to take a step back and look at the damage I was doing to myself, I just wanted to keep going and hold it together. Now, I’ve finished University with a 2:1 and I’m working and I live each day to write music. I’ve been out of University for 2 years now and although it took me a while to get my head around life after, I thank every day that I recovered.
I had some minor counseling which helped me talk through some things in my life, and after that I did it all on my own. I can spend 12 hours in my studio writing again without feeling like my mind is destroying my ability to work. I can finish those 12 hours and be proud of what I did that day instead of telling myself I couldn’t do enough because of those thoughts. I can go see my family for the day without feeling anxious that they may be watching me. I can see my friends in the evening and not dread that moment when one says they’re hungry, lets grab food. I can have a meal and not even glance at the nutritional information thats provided. I still struggle from time to time, I think in a way I always will, but I know that it’s not worth it because all the things I do now make me remember. I can live my life without having regret every single second, of what I say, what I think, what I eat.