“But Honey, You Did This To Yourself”
Written by Rayah Ali
I’m quiet, an observer, a listener and as a result, an emerging filmmaker. I wanted to share my first film with the public and the Project HEAL community to highlight experiences outside the common misconceptions associated with these eating disorders. When asked about my film, I say it’s about eating disorders and the need to expand research and spread awareness about an illness that doesn’t discriminate. By the end of my explanation, I am often left with a smile and silence.
Disparities in eating disorder research, compounded by long-standing misconceptions, led me to propose a Call-to-Action documentary project directed toward research funders, healthcare professionals, and underrepresented demographic populations who have experienced the disorder. The goal of my project is to advocate for additional financial support to enable more robust research to create more accessible resources for those impacted by eating disorders.
At the start of my process, I knew that I wanted this to be a project that relied on personal experiences shared by individuals affected by eating disorders directly or indirectly. Initially, I proposed filming participants worldwide and including their personal footage and limited narration. However, taking on the global perspective proved to be beyond my time and budget limitations.
While I was in conversation with several potential global participants, in the end, many asked to support the project in ways other than being featured in the film itself. This
is an understandable setback, given the content of the film and the level of comfort in revealing one’s personal story.
While certain assumptions remain prevalent for many people, reductive misconceptions leave behind considerations of critical eating disorder characteristics, specifically symptomatic behavior, like the experiences shared by my participants: Jeffrey, Nicole, and Joyce. Read on to hear more about their lived experience and participation in my project.
Participant # 1: Jeffrey
I connected with Jeffrey after volunteering remotely with TrueFaux Films and Mount St. Vincent University as a research assistant behind their Wicked Bodies series. In this series, Canadians identifying as part of the 2SLGBTQIA+ Community told their stories about experiences with an eating disorder as part of one demographic in Canada underrepresented in eating disorder research. We screened the film together before sharing it with the public, and Jeffrey caught my attention. Jeffrey revealed his experience in Toronto living with an eating disorder as a gay man and feeling the need to live up to societal ideals of body, weight and shape. Jeffrey was confident in speaking his truth and sharing his journey towards recovery candidly. I was, as a result, prompted to learn more about history and asked him to be part of my film.
Statistics regarding eating disorders in men are scarce. As more men in popular culture are coming out to tell their stories, the data remains limited. What we do know is that at least one in four people who struggle with eating disorders are men. Jeffrey’s narrative adds a perspective needed for my film, as he is also a Filipino-Canadian, a cultural demographic unaccounted for in widely available research on eating disorders.
Participant #2: Nicole
I connected with Nicole when I first began thinking about this project. Born in Toronto, Ontario to Chilean immigrants, Nicole’s experience resonated with me due to the intricacies of her childhood and current occupation as a fitness instructor.
Nicole was a friend of mine before my enrolment at TMU, and she presents herself as outgoing and well-put-together. I remember her as a joy to be around. I knew about her eating disorder when she spoke to me in 2015 about having to return to a Toronto hospital for symptom interruption. Although time had passed, we remained in contact.
When I approached Nicole with this project, she acknowledged the need for greater awareness and was willing to provide her support through her involvement. I asked her to be as candid and organic as possible, and with limited prompts, Nicole granted me access to what she had harboured in her mind regarding her diagnosis and her treatment process.
Nicole also spoke to me about the industry in which she works. How her experience helps her notice symptomatic behaviour among clients and members of her gym. Her observations worry her, and I hope that my film allows others to recognize when to intervene in a person’s life when they may seem to be struggling with an eating disorder.
Participant # 3: Joyce
Joyce was a roommate of mine in 2015. Since we first met, she always kept herself busy - academically and in her artwork. She currently works at Women’s College Hospital in Toronto, Ontario in geriatric research. I know that academia for Joyce had been of the utmost importance, and it was insightful to hear the correlation between self-discipline, life expectations and having anorexia nervosa.
In the interview, Joyce spoke about her standards of excellence stemming from childhood trauma, a desire to please her parents and her time as a competitive dancer. To minimize herself in traumatic situations involving childhood verbal and physical abuse, she found control in “shrinking away” and focusing on her academic and extra-curricular aspirations.
Achieving control amid chaos was a recurring theme between Jeffrey, Nicole and Joyce, which contrasts the misconception that eating disorders are solely based on an aversion to food and the desire to look thin. While body image is of concern for each participant, the root of their illnesses describes a mental discourse beyond appearance, with their internal and external environment playing a stronger role than diet culture alone. A change in diet is one symptom that is well-known to the general public, but through these interviews, my goal is to broaden that narrow perspective.
Final Thoughts
Throughout my research, I noted milestones in research relating to eating disorder discoveries. These milestones in research include biological contributors to developing an eating disorder and hereditary implications that also play a role. In doing so, I recognized disparities and conclusions stating that more research is needed regarding a given scientific or anthropological breakthrough.
“But Honey, You Did This To Yourself,” was and remains a call for the world to acknowledge eating disorders as a global health issue. Though I am focusing on my local community in Canada, I intend to bring broader awareness to the fact that the dismissal of eating disorders leads to a magnified lack of awareness everywhere.
Without adequate knowledge about eating disorders, societies will continue to uphold misconceptions and stigma that bar a person with an eating disorder from seeking and finding support. Enhancing research is one of the ways Canada has the potential to change the narrative of eating disorder care. More insight into eating disorder nuance could expand the Eurocentric construct of these conditions and dispel the myths associated with eating disorders.
By examining underrepresented identities and unexplored science, more substantial evidence will be provided to justify the need for an increase in services to address the treatment of an eating disorder from diagnosis to post-recovery. This is not a solution to the problem of eating disorders, but rather, an argument proposed to increase efforts to address eating disorders at all. My goal is to enliven Canada’s place in global health so that Canada can lead by example and advocate for developing research in other nations that continue to view eating disorders as a societal manifestation of Western culture.
Rayah Ali is a filmmaker based in Toronto. Information about her project can be found here: https://rayahdoc.com/landing/288-2/