Back-to-School Body Image Struggles: 3 Simple Tools for Parents
As we bring summer to a close and the excitement and anticipation of a new school year begins, I want to draw attention to something you may need to navigate with your kids. Though the pressures of getting a “summer body” might be winding down, the pressure to fit in, meet unrealistic beauty ideals, and compare oneself to other kids is coming in full swing.
I get it — the conversation about body image is uncomfy. But the world is already having this conversation with your kids. They are being influenced by the media, by social expectations, and by what they hear YOU saying about your own body. Even if your own body image feels a little messy at times, what you say and do right now matters most of all.
So much of the narrative around toxic (and often white-washed) body positivity centers on the belief that we should just be grateful for our bodies. But gratitude is a byproduct, not an avenue. Toxic body positivity says we shouldn’t care what other people think — but how is that realistic when, as adults, we still care what people think?
My unique approach to talking about body image isn't through a lens of pretending our way through. Instead, I teach my clients that we can make space for their body grief.
Understanding Body Grief
I define body grief as the perceived or real loss that causes distress around body change. I say "real or perceived" because some things are simply a biological reality. As a short person, I am unable to reach things on the top shelf without a step stool. That is just a factual limitation, but it doesn’t distress me.
However, as a person in a larger body, I spent most of my youth believing I would never find anyone attracted to me in a fat body. This perceived loss did distress me. In fact, my pursuit of thinness—and the fuel for my own eating disorder — stemmed from the belief that if I could just be thin enough, I could secure health, happiness, and love.
What I would tell my younger self is that I know how scary it feels to exist in the body she does. But health, happiness, and love cannot be secured by a body size. A certain size might make navigating the world easier due to systemic privilege, but it doesn’t automatically mean those things are inaccessible to her in the body she has.
I’d encourage my younger self to challenge why it might be easier for someone in a smaller body to have certain things that seem more difficult to attain in a larger one. For one thing, they probably receive unbiased medical care; doctors don’t assume every illness is because of their body size, which drastically impacts overall health outcomes. They aren’t the butt of a joke or being bullied because of their body size, which protects their self-esteem.
We want our kids to know that the systemic privileges of a smaller body are real, but a lack of privilege does not mean their current body is broken.
I encourage my clients not to pretend they don’t feel body grief, but when they have the capacity, to get curious with it. As a trained eating disorder mental health counselor, here are three suggestions to help decrease body grief at the start of this new school year:
1. Normalize It If Last Year's Clothes Don’t Fit
I understand that financial times are tough, and perhaps you didn’t budget for a whole new wardrobe. But bodies are meant to change, especially during these pivotal youth years. What you say and how you say it will impact your child's relationship to clothes for the rest of their life.
Think about the first time someone commented on your seasonal clothes not fitting. If that wasn’t your experience, imagine the shame you may carry if your clothes didn’t fit and someone was upset with you because of it.
You know your kids best, but here are three approaches you can take depending on what they need:
The Emotional Awareness Approach: "Hey, I can see you’re getting overwhelmed. Do you want to pause or take a break? We can take these clothes home and just return what we don’t keep."
The Logical Approach: "I don’t know where we learned the myth that bodies shouldn’t change, because growing is exactly what bodies are supposed to do. This might feel physically and emotionally uncomfortable right now, but it’s not shameful. It’s a normal human experience."
The Curious Approach: "If your best friend were struggling with this right now, what would you say to them to help them feel better?"
2. Help Build Up Their Self-Esteem
Let’s not pretend we can completely shield our kids from the world's pressures to conform to typical beauty standards. But if we can empower them to know their own values and develop hobbies or crafts they can claim as part of their identity, it will matter a lot less if they don’t win a superlative for “most beautiful.”
Help them think beyond the "right now" and focus instead on the legacy they want to leave on this world. Take time to reassess your values as a family, and do a joint activity together to bond and build family unity.
3. Encourage a Healthy Relationship with Movement
How our kids experience movement and exercise right now can determine the relationship they have with it for the rest of their lives. Even if you have a complex relationship with movement yourself, this is the time to engage in an open conversation with your kids using compassion and curiosity.
For the kid who doesn’t want to move: "I totally resonate with that. After a long day, moving doesn’t sound fun. Can we get curious about it? Is it all movement you dislike, or is it just gym class where it feels competitive and measured? Is there any movement that might feel good to your body right now? Even just stretching, playing on the floor with the cat, or repainting your bedroom? We don’t have to do it right now either. It’s okay to rest!"
For the kid who is afraid to rest: "I am noticing that you find it really hard to take a break from moving. Can you tell me what is motivating that difficulty? What do you feel will happen to you if you don't move?"
Changing the Legacy
I know that tackling the Everest of body image can feel like a daunting, overwhelming topic to explore with your kids — especially if you haven’t gotten it completely figured out for yourself.
But just remember: you don’t need to have it all figured out. You just need to model a healthier relationship to body image than the one you were taught. Make space for your own body grief. By taking these small steps, you are literally healing the trauma of body image wounds for generations to come.
And is that not the most beautiful legacy we can leave?
Wishing you a new school year of true health, happiness, and love—regardless of your body size.
In Grief + Joy,
Xo Bri
