I CHOOSE RECOVERY, I CHOOSE TO LIVE COURAGEOUSLY
By Ayanna Bates
The most important thing I have learned about Recovery is that it is a conscious choice that you have to make and fight for every single day. Some days are going to be unbearable and other days you will move through life happy with who you are becoming and grateful for another day.
Living in the depths of depression and anxiety, using disordered eating behaviors to cope with it all, was a seemingly comfortable, lonely, world of darkness.
I was tired of living in that world; I asked for help, went into therapy, and I am embracing the journey of Recovery.
What does it mean to be happy? Being comfortable with who I am. Not being afraid to laugh and smile big, wear my favorite dress, eat my favorite foods, and talk about my passions. Interacting with the world and not regretting my part in the conversation. Acknowledging and then letting go of the pain and continuing to walk with grace.
Recovery brings along happiness but I can not ignore the bad days: the urges, the uncertainty, and the vulnerability. But I will not let the negative feelings consume me; I refuse to wear them like baggy clothing. I choose instead to wear strength, courage, inner beauty, depth, and rawness.
I am trying to be completely me and discover new parts of myself: the sound of my voice, what my laugh sounds like, what my own smile genuinely feels like.
I vow that I will keep trying every day. Even in the face of defeat, I will try. And if I am tired, I will reward myself with a break. If I need to cry, I will. If I need to feel pain, I will. If I need to take a mental break, I will.
I am a beautiful human being. I have cried, allowed the darkness to consume me, pleaded for help, and fought for control with a dangerous partner in crime: the voice of ED.
I am a beautiful human being with invisible wounds who chooses Recovery as her light.
I am fighting past the fake smiles and the “I’m okay’s” towards wearing a true, wonderful smile that embraces joy and strength. It is easy to stay in the dark and be consumed by disordered eating, but it takes great bravery to collect yourself and keep going.
I am a beautiful human being who deserves peace and happiness.
I will continue to try to lower my mask that is depression, disordered eating, and anxiety, and be completely me. Recovery is hopeful, inspiring, life changing, and a never ending journey.
Sometimes I am crawling my way towards Recovery; some days, I am Recovery.
I no longer wear that plastered smile outlined with tears. I fight, I live, I stay strong, I embrace beauty, flaws and all.